Friday, January 13, 2006
C-A-S-U-A-L-F-R-I-D-A-Y-S: Celebrity Coworkers
Dave as Calvin, the newest WacArnold's employee...
I cannot imagine wanting to belong to another race - at least not on the "good" days. You know, when the black folk aren't in the movie theatre shouting out the all punch lines; acting all crazy on the subway circa rush hour, or looting Airforce Ones and Pelle Pelle for the whole world to see while a natural disaster has their city in ruins. Yet, in all my black pride, black love and black folk unite-ness, I cannot imagine wanting to work in a totally black environment either...even if my coworkers were celebrities!
We all love to love those lovely stars, especially our Cocoa-coated ones. Yet, I can quite easily say that I don’t want half of those Prozac stock owners working beside me in anybody's office...let alone in a classroom, precinct, hospital, New York City bus route, etc. With that said, check out some of these celebrity/cubicle pairings and think real hard about...
If [X] Was an Ordinary N!g 'wit a Job!
1. HALLE. Her mother was a nurse, but something tells me that we couldn't trust her a$$ around nobody's drugs...and it ain't her convincing junkie portrayal in Jungle Fever either.
2. TERRENCE. Pimping may not be easy and it sure as hell ain't legal either. Don't know what he could do. What type of regular jobs exists for Duke Ellington wannabes with obvious Murray's and Doo-Rag affections?
3. FLAVA FLAV. I know...I was just f$cking with ya'll!
4. QUEEN LATIFAH. I actually could picture girly being one of the most-popular folks in the office. You'd love her; I'd love her; we’d all love her! Wait a minute...WTF am I saying??? That means she'd be the one loved Negra in the office! Working alongside her would be a fargan nightmare... My colleagues would hate me in comparison and raise her up as the lone proof that Corporate America is not racist; Affirmative Action has done its job (and can now go somewhere and screw itself) and that “they” really do love black people. Gulp.
5. BOBBY BROWN. Visions of an unarmed security guard keep coming to mind, toothpick dangling from the corner of the mouth in all. I see BB sequestering cars full of scared whites and fearful immigrants outside downtown parking ramps. Yeah, a parking ramp attendant with the little b/w TV propped on a folding chair, directly facing his folding chair, with a bucket of Rally's in plain sight. Yeah.
6. CIARA. Hmm? Everyday jobs just don't exist for folk with no talent. Oh, wait a min, that's why she's a celebrity!
7. PARIS HILTON. Office slut.
8. NICOLE RICHIE. Office druggie...and slut...by fault of a blurry memory by fault of a wild side by fault of some serious drug addiction.
Did I miss anyone?