Thursday, February 02, 2006

Buzzwords: the Breakfast of workplace champions

Now, onto the $500 task! Define the word "paradigm" in complete, coherent English without first looking it up in the dictionary.

Truth of the matter is, I couldn't complete the damn thing myself.

Who deemed it necessary to create an entirely new language specifically coded for the work world? If my black girl conspiracy theorist were ever allowed to open her mouth, she'd bet cold hard cash that it was another move the by almighty man with a plan to keep back and stomp down the black man (and woman) from the motherland with a natural tan called melanin (pronounced 'nan')...

I know, I'm laughing right now, too, but the sh!t sounded good nonetheless.

Below is a list of the office buzzwords that I hate most with REAL definitions. Got any to share? If so, please do ('specially ya'll Cali folks...ya'll's non-office lingo is crazy enough as it is...)

1. "Sexy" - Adjective used to describe fluff and is generally used to hide an incredibly sorry, wacka$$ and lackluster idea.

2. "Bottom Line" - YOUR paycheck, which is directly influenced by the company's paycheck, so...

3. "Make It Happen" - A threat; nothing more, nothing less.

4. "Out of the Box" - A great-sounding, yet totally unusable, idea that helps all parties involved feel very highly creative and worthy of their titles, but will lead everyone back to the same damn fall-back methods...

5. "Tried and True" - Same damn, fall-back methods.

6. "Low-Hanging Fruit" - Loser-friendly accomplishments of those who rely on the same damn fall back methods.

7. "Download" - Codeword for "don't waste my damn time" meeting-of-sorts

8. "Spearhead" - Cuz "lead" is SO 1999!

9. "Peel the Onion" - Anyone?

10. "Open-Door Policy" - If it needs to be stated, then, Houston, we have a problem.

CG.

26 comments:

LadyDivah said...

HAHA-I have 3 more buzz words/phrases for you:

1. "slippery slope"
2. "offline" (as in let's talk about this 'offlin'
3. "no great shakes!"

wow--yall throw around the word 'sexy' at your workplace to describe fluff...I wonder how HR feels about that...lol

Cocoa Girl said...

LOL...what on earth is "no great shakes???" Please tell us...

Dal said...

I feel EVERY word you said. The one that gets me is "Lets do a root cause analysis" Really, what is being said here is "Lets find the one with melaNAN to blame, whether he be in Mexico, China, or the good old Hartford, CT" because the one to blame surely ain't in North Carolina.

Cocoa Girl said...

"Root cause analysis" - oh my. This is getting deeper by the comment!

Dal - I've never heard that one before. What industry do you work in?

LadyDivah said...

no great shakes = will not affect anything or no worries LOL

Supa said...

"root cause analysis" ha ha!

this is a good post. lemme think of some of the BS folks say around here....

*thinking*....

Single Ma said...

Interesting Post.

The one I hear on a daily basis is "streamline" read: our processes aren't working so find a quicker way to jack things up so no one will notice.

Cocoa Girl said...

What's up, Supa? I's waitin'...LOL

SM - "Streamline" is actually one of my personal faves! So, there you have its: I'm corny as heck!

Supa said...

Cocoa: We have a staff meeting @ 1 pm. I'll be sure to bring back some internal corporate bullshit lingo...

:)

the only one that came to mind earlier is "bureau protocol"..as in, "that isn't protocol," i.e., your result may be better/more efficient/productive, but you didn't follow "bureau protocol"..

wtf?

Dal said...

I work in manufacturing and engineering. its basically a quality term based on six sigma properties. everything has a reason and every reason has a fix.

you were late on a quote? lets do a root casue analysis that expalins what activities were taking place that made the quote late.

how about YOU DIDN"T SUPPLY ME WITH THE INFO, MAN

Supa said...

OK, I just woke up,I mean, CAME back from my staff meeting...here's some juicy BS phrases for you:

"Goal implementation" meeting: translation - let's sit around for hours and hours org charting and making simple tasks extremely complex.

"integrated resources": translation - we need to rely on another division to help us get our shit done.

and lastly:

"SKA" translation - Skills, Knowledge, Abilities. When asking about an employment candidate, people say - What's his/her "SKA?"

When I first heard that, I was like...what cha'll know about ska music?

*dumb stare*

Cocoa Girl said...

LMAO!!! "SKA" is officially the new hot sh!t for February 06! Thanks for the meeting recap...absolutely hilarious. Your coworkers sound SO entertaining.

Dal - all I can say is may the force be with you:) You're in our prayers...LOL

Supa said...

great post CG!!

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