Tuesday, March 14, 2006

The Apprentice, Season 5, Week 3...

It's only the 3rd week and already somebody's crying, while observant-Jews and faux titties are under attack!

Shall we?

What's up with Roxanne and Allie's looks of "confusion" (black girl codeface for anger)? Fatty "Black" didn't get fired. One miss thang even barked, "if Brent stays, part of me is just going to want to go home..." and then storms to the bathroom cryuing after she realizes he's still around. Cocoa says: Get a grip, beyotch! You're on the job, so act like the 31-year-old, self-made millionaire who would whore-out granny and eat-the-young-like-pate, steely-eyed cut-throat beyotch that you are! Now dry up those eyes and go make mama proud!

Gangsta Len is at it again and is flinging around the term "bullshyt" because two of his teammates are taking off time to celebrate some Jewish holiday. Don't ask me which one. There are so many. Who for the love of God can keep up with them all? But, hey, as someone who schooled in NY and now works in Manhattan (a.k.a. New Yerusalem City), Cocoa is not complaining one bit. Nah sir, I'se sho 'preciates all them days off. So, Mazel Tov, Yum Kippur and all that other hot shyt!

Challenge #3: Plan a fun and informative retreat to educate GM’s top auto dealers on the new 2007 Chevrolet Tahoe. Cocoa is glad that this week's challenge is actually, well, challenging. Andrea and Talk-Over-You Theresa volunteer as project managers. Cry me a river Drea says: "If we lose, I'm bringing [Fatty "Black"] in the boardroom, no matter what."

Cocoa's commercial break cuss-out: Apparently, fat IS the new black.

Shyt like this is what makes this "minority" not want to deal with certain f#cking folks at work! Cocoa will not discount the fact that Brent is hella annoying, but I don't think these BEYOTCHES are fair to force his removal before he actually f*cks up! They're plotting to take him down regardless if he is to blame! Yet (index finger to the chin), in all of her rage, Cocoa does acknowledge the fact that "plot" should be the operative f*cking word here because the show is meant to f$cking entertain. So, with that said...carry on, eye gougers, carry on!

This is Theresa. Cocoa's take? Chicky's a serious control freak of a beyotch with really, really great boobies (sorry, but this Cocoa is only flanking some C's)! I absolutely loved-ded girly's, ahem, auntie's (she looks a bit, um, mature) bossiness and gall, but her team, well, hated it! Not only did Reesy's dolls make for excellent incentive to keep the straight-male audience tuned into NBC, but they also helped to generate the show's most-memorable quote ever (thanks Gangsta Len!):

"Theresa's brain is so small she can’t even understand anything. I wish her
brain was bigger than her boobs!"

Cocoa's commercial break cuss-out #2...

The show producers are really working my f*cking nerves! I just love the way they take stereotypes and run with them for the audience's viewing pleasure. Now, granted, Brent is an el chubbo who probably throws back waay too many foods of the non-salad variety, but this doesn't make it right for the producers to only show him while he's eating. First, we saw him wolfing down four bagels with tons of bvtter and then this we witnessed this crap... Bastards!

The teams are off... Thanks to Auntie Reesy, the bad news bears of team Gold Rush are totally screwing up, while Andrea shows us she's truly a star. Drea even saved the day AND some gotdamn tears (thank you, reality TV gods!) by being quick to solve a "crisis." Auntie Reesy, on the other hand, spent too much time arguing with her bad a$$ kids...

Lenny dropped the ball big time when he failed to order a generator for the stage's electricity. Bryce (in his own words) 'saved Lenny's ass.' While Cocoa really likes the O.G. element that Lenny brings to the show, she was hella disappointed with his failure to accept responsibility for this mistake. Memo to Auntie Reesy: If the Russian ain't a budgin', have one of your other lackeys order the crap and move on.

Gold Rush mistake #473,396, the "models" could not tell the dealers SH-YIT about the product! (Hang ya head, Cocoas...) Honorary-Cocoa, Charmaine, hired a bunk-a$$ comedienne who insulted EVERYBODY at the event. Worst off, she even had the nerve to pay the chick for her terrible performance!

If you're anything like Cocoa, you're saying to yourself right now: LET'S JUST END THIS PAINFULNESS ALREADY...PULEEEEEEEZE! And, who I am to deny you pleasure...

THE BOARDROOM: Auntie Reesy and her dunces are in the losers seat. Although H.C. Charmaine screwed up the most-important elements of the challenge, Reesy brangs Tarek and the Russian into the boardroom. The former would prove to be her biggest mistake yet, as neither of these guys was truly to blame for her team's loss. Oh! M.C. Len also provided us with the second-most memorable quote in Apprentice history. When asked by Trump who he thinks should be fired, Lenny replied: "Hell, fire them both!" Classic, absolutely classic, ya'll!

Trump. If somebody doesn't get shot, kidknapped, amputated, ran-over, stabbed, arrested or gay-married within the next two weeks, then Cocoa might have to find a new Monday-night hobby. Trump claims this season is the best...well, brang it on!!!!!



Harlem Songstress said...

I forgot what night The Apprentice came on so I missed it :(

ProfessorGQ said...

The Apprentice 5...Zzzzzzzz!!!

I can't stand Trump.

P said...

Finally: Someone on here that I read (well, just started to read) that watches the apprentice.


Im with the brother on this post.

This years apprentice.


The day that it comes on (Monday)


The former day - Thursday.


I didn't miss all of it, but missed half of it because I forgot what day that it came on.

Why is it that the folks on this season seems like they are super duh?

The ones that were smart were Kelly's season (season two), and then I would say season three and four.

But these fools! Like the lady who was fired, I think the first week. SHE ONLY CALLED ONE PERSON, and that was her job, to call folks.

Man, I felt like opening the door for her when the doorman let her out the door into her cab.

By the way: This guy that works for my company back east was on the apprentice last season. He was one of the people who got fired in one shot (I think it was four or five people the same night)

Also: I have these sidebar fantasies about being on the apprentice and going back to the hotel room with my suitcase with the music playing in the background.

Yes, I know that I am not well.

African girl, American world said...

P you ain't neva been well LOL.

Cocoa I was on the floor with this one.....So, Mazel Tov, Yum Kippur and all that other hot shyt! You kilt me.

U know it was my 1st time watching the show so I don't know guy that eats a lot history but I was like good lawd could they show him doing something other than eating?

Me likes Lenny tremendously!!!!

Single Ma said...

Girl you could be a professional movie/TV critic. You can work a damn recap. LOL

I don't watch the show but I like your reviews. Feels like we were chillin at the crib and watching it together. LOL

Cocoa Girl said...

Ms. Songstress - I see a reminder is very necessary. Expect one next week!

ProfessorGQ - Cocoa is almost with ya (one butch chick's hair-length short of being totally with ya!) Donald better get thangs together real quick!

P - I AM SOOOO HAPPY that someone is enduring this sort of pain with me. These folks are so damn stupid. Trump is obviously going for sheer entertainment value. I actually have fantasies of going toe to toe with the Don in a cuss-out only made for HBO! Shh...

Mwabi - Sis, I did not know such a thing existed as four damn holidays each marking period until I started college at Syracuse!! We were out of classes like every friggin' week! I'll say it again: Mazel Tov, homey, Mazel Tov fo' shizzle...

SingleMa - Thanks girly...you knows I'se tries!

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

dang there is a new one on already

Supa said...

Your re-caps are funny as hell. Think I'll stick with your highlights, steada watching the show...

Apprentice & American Idol got the boot off my TiVo lineup.....

Cocoa Girl said...

Me - Blushing...

I haven't seen Idol in forever!!! Can't imagine how that saaaaame formula could get any better.

At least the folks are the Apprentice are doing something different every week!


solitaire said...

YESSSS!! another sista that blogs on the Apprentice!!!

I'm late, have to download the episodes, but I'm gonna blog on them this weekend.

Thanks for the jokes, girl! Gonna link ya!

Kenny said...

I can't believe they paid that "comedianne" $1700.. that wasn't worth anything.. horrible, horrible, act.

Cocoa Girl said...

The people aren't really that bright this year. I don't know where they found these contestants!

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