Friday, March 17, 2006

CASUAL FRIDAYs: Mentors really do matter!

Cocoa has never really had a career mentor. Yet, thanks to the skyrocketing numbers of unbelievably-ignant black folk, she realizes just how important a little positive influence is for the Race -- especially those in the public eye.

That's why, in the spirit of a Cocoa Girl classic-post, Trick Get a Job!, girly girl (moi!) is dedicating this run of CASUAL FRIDAYs to a little MENTOR MADNESS!

Go team!!! Woo-hoo!! S-C-O-R-E... Oops, sorry, wrong kind of madness this March...

Mentor #1: Oscar-time Xzibit...

...paired with...

...Oscar winners Three 6 Mafia. If you pay close attention you will notice that both rapper-sets appear to be down, yet Xzibit is doing the black folk and the global community a huge favor by not exhibiting his extra negrodian flava.

Mentor #2: Angela Bassett...

...paired with...

...Vivica A. Fox. While both Cocoas are foxes in their own right, Miss Fox could stand to learn a few lessons from the enchanting, elegant and well preserved Ms. Bassett. Namely being black don't crack. So stop sweating that Botox needle like it's vile of illegal shyt.

Mentors #3 & #4: Al Reynolds...



... and John Legend...


...paired with...

...Miss Jay. As pictured above, Miss Alana and Miss Joanna easily show Lady Jay how to match some clothes. Their looks - and fabu-but-not-too-feminine poses - also show us that just because you're gay doesn't mean you have to look like it.

Mentor #5: Tiger Woods...


...paired with...
...Terrence Howard. When it comes to hiding the fact that you're black, nobody does it betta than Tiger! Howard should take note of this Caublanasian's animal instincts at distracting from the color of his skin. Namely...an Arayan (not ethnic-looking) white wife and strong denial of his blackness from the very start - NOT mid-way through his career (Howard recently noted that he is not black, but "biracial" and claims he never heard of Fitty Cents until quite recently).

Mentor #6: Cherry Treats...

...paired with...

...Keyshia Cole. True, Cherry may be a toy-horse, but few can argue that she don't know how to rock an unnaturally-colored coif. Besides, human or not, she gotta be a sistah. Girly's name is Cherry for crying out loud AND she prefers all things Cyan. For that, Keyshia should definitely lend her an ear...

HAPPY FRIDAY!

CG./R.

19 comments:

Single Ma said...

Girl, girl, girl...I'm just sitting here shaking my head. If this isn't one of the most notable, craziest, funniest, bust a gut, laughing out loud posts you've ever done. OMG! This shyt is classic and right. on. f%uckin. POINT!!

^^^5 sis...just FABULOUS!

P.S. Will somebody please tell Ms Foxx to stop it already...DAMN. I'ma snatch her sista card in a minute.

P said...

Cocoa:

Loving your post and site, BTW. I really do. Okay, now that we have the pleasantries out the way:

First thangs first:

Vivica has lost her mind. She did a long time ago. She was beautiful when she was on "Out All Night" With Patti Labelle and was it Morris Chestnut or Duane Martin? Can't remember, but whatchallknowboutthat! She just started to some years ago, morph into something else. And I mean, there was no reason for it.

It's very painful to watch her. I mean this is a case study on plastic surgery overload!

Creepy to look at. You can also look at other weirdness on http://www.awfulplasticsurgery.com

On to number two: Tiger is black? Well, Who Knew! :) Now, I can understand him defining himself as biracial. Okay, but he doesn't. He doesn't seem like he wants to have anything to do with black folks, unless it's Earl Woods, and Co. I mean whatever floats your boat, but it's very obvious that his taste don't include ANY women of color, least of all black ones.. . It's just a real sore for sighted eyes, yanno?

And Terence Howard. . .What's his problem. Negro, do we have to end up putting you in a time machine and sending you back to the TV Show "Sparks". Don't get to tripping, now, or we'll pull a Wesley Snipes on you. . .

We're not asking you to deny any part of yourself, but I have a few mixed friends (eff that biracial PC sheeat) who do not deny either heritage but those folks know good and well what they look like when they step out on the streets, and even if they don't look that way, who give an eff? Do we have to put Terence on Negro Watch?

Finally, Doesn't Al Reynolds just run right off the GayDar? He should have been ticketed a long time ago.

PS: I read your post on my site. You'z a phreak. What wuz U thanking. . .

Knockout Zed said...

This fuckin' post is off the meat hook!

Vivica's fucked, no turning back.

Terrance Howard's cut like that? Fuck him.

Keysia Cole is from outer space. You can tell by the moons orbiting her chest.

KZ

Cocoa Girl said...

Thanks SingleMa. I don't know what's up with Vivica. I honestly think that plastic surgery must be like crack for some folks. Very addictive/once they start they can't stop.

P - what can I say...you are hilarious!!! I'm quite happy that I am not the only one noticing the craziness of these folks!

Vivica has truly lost her mind, and I don't know why. She was gorgerous before! Do you remember her in that Will Smith movie?

BTW, Terrence is ALREADY on Tom Watch. Just ask Miss Ahmad!

Cocoa Girl said...

"You can tell by the moons orbiting her chest."

Totally *dead* Zed. Totally dead.

Nichelle said...

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!

Girl... you are SO crazy!

I ain't gonna talk about people 'cause it ain't right.. I'ma just keep folk in prayer...

Nichelle said...

Omigod...

I just read your old post "Trick Get A Job" Hilarious! You need to do that like, every week...

I used to work at a few celebrity magazines, and I don't miss fact-checking the lives of these people.

That's not to say I wouldn't write a screenplay for them...

We're a bit on the same wavelength today. My post today relates to celebs too (well, moreso unemployed black actresses that would be celebs if they could get a job...)

Anonymous said...

2 cute! Cool post.

Supa said...

Hi-fucking-larious!!! This is classic, Cocoa. No, really. This post should be running on Entertainment Tonight or somethin'. :) lol

Miss Ahmad said...

okay girl you just made my day!

and as for Tom Dashon Howard trying to drop his middle name so he don't sound so black..i have a whole new reason to get on his case!!

Butta said...

I am so mad at you for Keyshia Cole's mentor!! And the similarities don't just end at the hair...they have the same teeth too! Keyshia could stand to learn a few things from Cherry.

Cocoa Girl said...

Thanks Supa, dupe. However, I can honestly say that these stars really deserve all the credit for making themselves such easy targets:)

Miss A. - YES! Tom Howard (as he will now be referred to here and forever more) is one sad, sad case. Thing is: he's really no Tiger Woods. I think Terrence is really some ghettois negro trying to do ANYTHING to jump on the other side. Even if it means allowing his white homeboy to call him 'nigga' and telling the entire free world this via Oprah.

Butta - So nice to see your cute face around these parts:) And you are so very correct, Keyshia and the pony do have the same damn teeth.

:D

TTD said...

LAMO.. this my 1st time to ur spot.. you are crazy girl! i was literally LOL when i saw Cherry vs Keyshia!! but its so true! i hate her hair!

Joel Randell said...

cocoa your blog is FIYA! :-) love your posts. keep up the good work. and stop by my spot sometimes. i drop a few jewels here and there. ;-)

Cocoa Girl said...

@TTD - Welcome! Right back at ya...I don't understand why whomever felt she needed that extra kick of hair color. She's talented, so I don't know what gives with the 'gimmicky' hair.

@ JR - Welcome to you, too. Thanks for the comp. I'll definitely have to check out your jewels, cuz everybody who knows Cocoa know she LOVES some jewels:)

Mrs A. said...

ok, i am too thru with terrence howard and his lop-sided CONK!!!! i wouldn't want his mixed up azz on a good day. BLEH!!!!!!

mrs.tj said...

Funny! I am sooo tired of Terrance Howard right about now!
Holla!

Cocoa Girl said...

I think it's official: Terrence Howard is now on TomWatch!

Anonymous said...

I have been looking for sites like this for a long time. Thank you! » » »