Friday, April 14, 2006

41 Questions (and answers)...

Yesterday's post featured a pressing workplace question of my own and called for everyone to submit their own question, which would be answered by no other than Cocoa Girl (that's moi!).

So, without further adieu...

BTW, if your ass gets fired, it is NOT my fault. Based on my language, I am obviously not a f*#&ing professional!

I'se off the job today, but will check in! Enjoy!

@ P
1. Why do employees track you down like you are a fugitive from justice? You’se a negra – you iz one.

2. Why do employees ask you "Hey, I have a question, REAL QUICK?" (it neva iz!!!) They’re spineless parasites who lack confidence and esteem enough to take up as much of your time as they damn well please WITHOUT feeling guilty or actually caring if you give a f*ck.
3. WHY do people see you with your coat on getting ready to walk out the door and want to ask you a work-related question??? You need to walk expeditiously or resolve to bouncing a tad earlier (say 20 minutes before you’re actually off-the-clock versus 15...).

4. WHY do senior executives in particular feel the need to discuss business if they catch you in the bathroom at the same time while you are IN the stall with the door closed?! Two words: ‘senior’ and ‘executives.’

5. WHY do people say "can I give you this" or "can I sit down for a sec", and go ahead and do it any fucking way - without even waiting for an answer?!?
Because they actually have confidence and esteem enough to take up as much of your time as they damn well please WITHOUT feeling guilty or actually caring if you give a f*ck.

6. Mmm hmm, I get them fools that ask me a question and then when I answer it they play this staring contest with me where they don't say nuthing else but keep lookin' dead in my eyes. I think it's a jedi mind trick where they try to make me feel uncomfortable so that I keep talking and end up looking stupid. It's like a power-trip game and it don't work on Inciquay. I am the staring contest champion!
Um, you’se a negra, so it’s actually called the Kizzy Mind trick. ‘Cept versus cracking a whip, those masahs are threatening your paycheck. BTW, please do share the name of your plantation, so Cocoa can make sure that she never works there!

7. Why do I have to work for the man?
Count your blessings. Things could be worst…you could be working for B.E.T.

8. (Seriously) why do people act like you are being a b*tch when you are CYA, but when they do it, they just following up and doing their job? Jerks. Common law does not apply to self - especially at work.

9. To follow up Harlem Songstress..WHY do they like talking about work during lunch? Are they paying??? If so, then shut yo’ mouth and eat. If not, shut your mouth and listen for the scoop/gossip. It will come up.

10. Another question: Why do idiots with no lives like scheduling meetings after 4 PM and talk and talk and ask dumb questions although no one is listening to them? These meetings are generally run by the lowest managers on the totem pole who lack clout enough to secure the a.m. or noon-day “You bastards will pay attention and get this shyt done TODAY!” time slots.

11. Why do people walk up to my desk when they see I'm typing (so what if I'm blogging) and say "are you busy?"
Because they know you’re not really working. It’s called being diplomatic.

12. Why do people ask "can I ask you a question?" WTF! I dunno, but generally a question that should never be asked is guaranteed to follow.

13. Why do people ask me "what's wrong?" just because I'm not wasting time and gossiping with everyone else at the water cooler? Because you’re not wasting time and gossiping with everyone else at the water cooler - today. BUT you were doing the shyt yesterday. Sudden behavioral change tends to spark concern in most adults – coworkers included.

14. Why does my boss always begin his sentences with "Single Ma, I need you again. Can you do me a favor?" I mean if I say ‘no,’ then what? Then you just say no... Yeah right! Hahaha! Actually, try saying ‘no,’ followed by a blank stare/three-second pause combo and let a n!g know what happened. Holla!

15. Why does the new chick come to work looking like she's headed to the club at 5:00p? What ever happened to, when in doubt, dress like your boss or the people around you? Whatever happened to ‘men are visual creatures?’ You work in finance, right? Chances are the ‘gentlemen’ on the job do not take her seriously anyhow…but they prolly think she look good!

16. Why did I date a dude that wore a doo rag like it was a security blanket who couldn't understand why he wasn't landing the jobs he was qualified for?
Two words: ‘doo’ and ‘rag.’

17. Why does my boss come to work for a few hours a day just to make everyone feel uncomfortable, then leave again??? Since he’s not around that often, he needs to ensure that nobody forgets who’s really in charge, like his passive-aggressive a$$ does every time he leaves work early to report home and get b!tch-slapped by his wife.

18. Why do folks act like making television is rocket science and freak the hell out when I try to do simple go home! Because you’re obviously in charge;-)

19. Why did my old boss corner me at a party and try to get me to quit my current job to "come back to him"... Are you going?

20. Why do all the white girls I work with have more ass than me??? Must be all that matzo ball soup.

21. WHY do managers dub everything a "project" no matter how non-related/left field it is to your key roles and responsibilities just so that it seems like whatever they are asking you seems "key" to helping the company go way above and beyond their EBIT? Harlem Songstress…WTF is ‘EBIT?’

22. WHY is it that every time I misdial any of my friends' phone numbers from work a Spanish speaking person picks up the phone? Well, if you ask the Republicans, they’ll tell you that it’s because you live in NYC with a bunch of “illegal” immigrants who hide indoors during daylight (which is when you happen to be on the job) and come out to work illegal, under-the-table jobs at night. So, in a nut shell, they’re the only ones at home to answer the phone when you misdial during the day.

23. WHY did I JUST (like 5 mins ago) have to curse out this man on my team cause he said that I’m not "team player" just because I wouldn't cover for him just so he can go golfing or whatever the hell he does when he skips work? It’s true. You’re not a team player. If you were, you would have played along with his bullshyt excuse…

24. Why do white chicks come up to you, asking dumb questions like "Oh, are you filling in for the time being until they find someone for the position?" ... knowing fully well that you have moved into the position and they're mad as heck that you're doing it better than them.
Nobody ever said that Cocoa girls at work have exclusive rights to hateration on the job.

@ T. CAS
25. Why did I not leave work until 11:30 last night and then have people call me at 8:30 in the morning? Because you’re slave.

26. Why can't some people stop talking about their private business at work? Is it that they can’t or that they won’t?

27. Why are my boss and my colleague taking tomorrow off for Good Friday? Ain't I a Christian too? See answer #25.

28. Why is it 88 degrees and you wearing corduroy pants? Hahaha…

29. Why do you try to run a meeting with Microsoft Live meeting if you don't know how to use it? Why you think they allow slaves to be educated nowadays…that’s your job!

30. Why is you touching me? Amen!

31. Why is this the most fun I had all day? Amen again!

32. WHY did the Whiny White Chick in the office come into my office start CRYING because she said she's so stressed coming to work and simultaneously having construction upgrades done on her HOUSE (as in, the b!tch got FAT money)? Because her upgrades obviously don't rely on her paycheck!

33. WHY did I just look at her ass wanting to yell GROW SOME OVARIES B!TCH!!! Because you realize that your lifestyle upgrades do indeed dependent on that shyt.

34. WHY have I worked my butt off all day, stopped off to run some errands, and come home, only to find out Cocoa has not posted the answers yet?? No hablo ingles.

35. WHY did I have a flash back to my 1st grade picture when they do that double image effect?? Did your double image flashback feature magenta and turquoise laser beams over a black background?

36. Why do I get along with my whole department? Cuz your name is Tom and you love all things brown.

37. Why do companies complain about "clock-watchers," but ain't trying to pay folks any OT? See answer #25.

38. Why do people who do the least work get the "equity adjustments," while you slave away and only get a COLA? See answer #25

39. Why is my institution fly paper for the walking wounded? LOL!!! Are you included in this number?

40. Why do people like hearing the same answer, verbatim, from my white boss as opposed to my fine, Black ass? Because pink is the new black.

41. Why does my boss pay me change to work my A$$ off, justified by the fact that it's a "nonprofit" and then describe what we get paid to potential funders as a "living wage?" Living where? Idaho? WTH is a ‘living wage?’ Would that have ‘supported’ Jackie O’Nassis had her rich b!tch azz ever decided to lift a wage-earning finger? You know, a little pocket change for a fun hobby? I'se just sayin...



Cocoa Girl said...


To all of you Du-Rag model haters...

I like the Du-Rag guy. I'd holla...just not if he's wearing the du-rag and the lip gloss...

Harlem Songstress said...

RFLMAO at your comments!!!

EBIT = Earnings BeEfore Interest & Taxes

@ anonymous--U AIN'T NEVER LIED--folks at my job used to hold their urine all day long and wait unil 3pm to go talking about they were so busy and didn't have a chance to go all morning long!! Then off they would go running and stuff just to get back to their desk.

Me on the other hand knew the bathroom was my safe haven for the most part so I would drag out that time away from my desk as long as possible!LOL

i like liquor and tv said...

Give us us FREE!

Anonymous said...

WTF is ‘EBIT?’

earnings before interest and tax

Anonymous said...

Seriously, Harlem Songstress... I'm with you. They call it a restroom for a couple or reasons one of which is to take a rest, a break. Much like coffee breaks and smoking breaks (which lasts the longest of them all and I swear occur more often than the restroom breaks).

Another reason why it would be nice to NOT discuss work "while you are IN the stall with the door close." : )

T. Cas said...

Why I gotta be a slave, yo? Got me changing my screen name to Chicken George up in here.

Miss Ahmad said...

Damn I'm not gonna print this up and save it...for my home office of course!

but not before I email the link to some folks who could use a smile on a Friday!

Thanks for making Friday the best day Cocoa Girl!

P said...

We love you, Cocoa!

Nichelle said...

Cocoa, you know that Do-Rag dude is tired. LOL!

Cocoa Girl said...

EBIT - Would have never thunk it!

Anon - "Much like coffee breaks and smoking breaks (which lasts the longest of them all and I swear occur more often than the restroom breaks)." FABULOUS observation! So true...

T.Cas - Chicken George...LOL!

Miss Ahmad - :D You'se knows I's tries...

P - [In a deep, sexy R&B voice]...Cocoa love you too, baby...LOL

Nichelle - Stop hating! He look good.

Supa said...

Kizzy?! Ize free!

Cocoa Girl, you are NUT! I love it.

lol @ "no hablo ingles"

Nichelle said...

Aw dang, you got spammed Cocoa! They've got computers that can do the word verification now???

Cocoa Girl said...

No, I had it turned off...

Diva in Demand said...

That was absolutely hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Very nice! I found a place where you can
make some nice extra cash secret shopping. Just go to the site below
and put in your zip to see what's available in your area.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
make extra money

Knockout Zed said...

Y'all folks kill me. Literally. You all shove a sharp object through my heart and cause me to lose blood profusely.


solitaire said...

Cocoa, you are A TRIP.
I was laughing so hard at the answers you gave.

In regards to mine... "I'M THE BIGGEST HAY-TAH!" (Chappelle's Show)

I almost beat that chick up! I'll tell you more later. Praise God that I'm a Christian...

Oh and I nearly fell off my chair when you told that poster "Cause you are a slave"... EVEN ON GOOD FRIDAY! ROTFLMAO