Friday, August 11, 2006

Stalkers @ Work!

Workplace #1 presented many interesting "firsts" for Cocoa Girl, including my very first run-in with the concept of being "Single White Female'd."

You see, due to what one could refer to as a little 'position' envy, one coworker had something just shy of that Fatal Attraction sheyot with all things moi. First, it was my bags ("Omigod - is this reaal Prada?"). Next, the jewelry ("Omigod - are those diamonds real?"). Then things got a tad scary when the SWF zoomed in on my accessories, which my coworkers thought to be hilarious.... (Cocoa's boss) "Seems like Cocoa has a little admirer - isn't Miss SWF wearing the EXACT same rhinestone-buckle, fatigue-print belt that you bought last week?"

Last but not least, girly drove Cocoa to phone home to mom-dukes when she proceeded to have a LOUD conversation (just a few feet away) regarding her 'new' Louis Vuitton bag that she had just 'inherited' (I kid you not) from her DEAD grandmother. Harmless enough, perhaps. However, judging by her reaction to my LV a few days before ("Omi-f*cking-god! YOU have a Louis Vuitton bag???"), I think the alarm was justified.

As I later found out, this Single White Female's fascination with me stemmed from her desire to have my job. Apparently, she had been seeking my position before the words 'necessary,' 'diversity' and 'new-hire' had slipped from my manager's lips, but she never was in the running. And management didn't care enough to tell her either.

Not like I ever cared about her plight (the cow was an evil, rancid witch). Yet, I stumbled upon my stalker on the job memories after speaking with another friend regarding hers... Except her stalkers have all been Single BLACK Females... One, tried to befriend her the first week of work, only to end up bitter because my friend (obviously a psychic!) dubbed her ass crazy! This SBF was obviously not one to disappoint, however, as she later proceeded to cut slashes into the sleeves of my girlfriend's coat and clothes.

My friend's next SBF @ Work also wanted to befriend (become?) her. Yet, not much unlike Cocoa's SWF above, this SBF wanted my homegirl's gig. So, she did what any psychotic beyotch would do and proceeded to cop everything my friend has: her hair styleS (emphasis on the plural) - first the braids and then the Bob-cut; her style of dress (did I mention that chick is 16 years senior my friend); her internal career track, and, now, her graduate degree of choice.

*blank stare*

While I would like to believe that I’m really just that fly, Cocoa would rather conclude that mofos @ work are just that got-damned deranged.

Got stalkers on the job?

Cocoa Girl


Knockout Zed said...

The only situation I ever had that was similar regarded an intern. And I think he just took the term "shadowing" too literally.

At least your stalkers have style enough to emulate YOU!


Knockout Zed said...

Oh yeah. First biznitches!


nikki said...

why am i writing about mine right now?!? although to be fair he's stalking me for an entirely different reason.

Blah Blah Blah said...

Are you married? DO you have a boyfriend? You play pool? We should get together for drinks one day after work...

Not quite stalkerish but all the same...odd. Here is a man in his late 40's, white as rice, balding, with the Tony Soprano belly...and connections... tryna holla at pudgy me...da hell...WE ARE AT WORK MOFO!!

You are just that fly CoCo Chanel at work...!

T. Cas said...

Had one, but she wanted me, not my job. It started off innocent. She came to me to mentor her and prepare her for a promotion. I gave her my phone number so we could do a practice interview after work. She got the job, but then she kept calling me to say thank you. She then started calling just to talk about her day at work. Then she started calling to just to shoot the breeze. Then she started hinting around at us going on. I shut that down, then she started calling me early in the morning and late at night and at my desk at work trying to get me to change my mind. I tried to be nice about it, but eventually I had to be extremely mean to get rid of her. (side note- you want to get rid of a Black woman, the best way to do it is to tell her that her new hairstyle she was so proud of looks like crap LOL)That's my work stalker story.

Amn.eris said...

I had a SBF crisis here at my job. Unfortunately my OM was stupid to realize it. This woman, 49 to my 30 might I add, did everything in her power to trash my name and my abilities, but I was always taught that what you give out comes back 10 times over.

About 2 weeks after her last tirade about me...she got in a car accident. She was on disability for 2 months and then decided that she couldn't work anymore. I almost did the dance for joy. Never in my life had I been so glad for someone to LEAVE.

nikki said...

it looks like there are alot of damn stalkers in the cut...

i like liquor and tv said...

I had one in school, but not on the job.

On the job the complete opposite happened. When I first started my job, this lady would stalk me and harass me to give me advice on corporate dress, hair etc.

She wanted me to be a mini-her. She'd bring me catalogs, tell me "OK I really like your haircut..keep that. This peach suit would complement your skin tone..etc". See was a prim/proper lady who wore pearls and suits everyday. I was not trying to dress like her. Everyone had a grand ole time laughing at me and this lady. One day I showed up to work wearing some canvases. She was HOT and she never spoke to me again.

Miss Ahmad said...

i have had two SBF's to date. One in San Francisco, and one in Hawaii, both were room mates, both are the reason I've not had a room mate since.

The last one, swaggered jacked my Gucci's, my hairstyle, got a man that looked like mine, started trying to talk like me, (anyone whose heard my voice knows that is impossible) so when i bailed on her ass and went to NYC and ran into her *ahem* (got stalked across the continent) i had to remind her that i'm still a girl from east oakland that will whoop her like she stole something from my mamma.

last i heard she was in a nut house. no lie!

i have a strange effect on women come to think of, i bring out the lesbian in straight you?

Knockout Zed said...

@Miss Ahmad
You bring out the lesbian in me!


Cocoa Girl said...

Zeddie - Did you bring out the 'lesbian' in your intern?

Ooh, Nikki...lemme know when you post that one. I would think that an opposite sex stalker at work would be the worst!

LQ - I'm sorry, but anyone who tells you to wear peach in anything that ain't sleevless and a summer top, needs to be smacked!

Miss Ahmad - Roomies!?!?!? That is straight crazy. Just like the movie, as a matter of fact.

Do I bring out the Lesbian in girls? I've been known to. I had this one in college trying to emulate my walk, my scent - EVERYTHING. I told a few common friends that this "secret" girl was a lesbian with a crush on me. Yet, one day, they actually said something in front of her...with details. Although they didn't know it was her, she did.

She did my behind in good. I'll have to post about that one day.

Miss Ahmad said...

girl crushes can be a bit umm frightening i dare say, and especially when in the work force.

KZ you wanna be my new lesbian crush?

Single Ma said...

Cocoa, you have some of the craziest ish happenin on that tradin floor. LOL

After reading these comments, I can't say that I've ever had a stalker. A few 'male' admirers that don't understand the word 'no' if you say it too nice, but no female stalkers. Thank gawd!! I would lose my job cuz I'd be ready to smack a b...

Knockout Zed said...

I hope I brought out the lesbian in him. That way he'd leave me the hell alone.

@Miss Ahmad
I thought I already was your lesbian crush.


chica said...

Oh yes, I am currently being stalked by a MBF. People, it is no joke. Since the day I interviewed (that's right...interviewed) for my current position, she has literally wanted to be me! From talking about going back to earn a terminal degree (after telling me that mine was "overrated") to joining the grad chapter of the sorority to which I belong ("oh, I didn't know you were a member"). Oh, did I mention she is a notorious namedropper?

Oh Cocoa...let me stop now. But yeah, we've got stalkers on the job.

Miss Ahmad said...

Zed does that mean i get to be your lesbian crush in return, or would that be icky?

Anonymous said...

let us take a moment out for the ladies with low self esteem. pause. the worst stalkers are the ones that have that tinge of hate under all that envy and jealousy. I had a young lady like that, and she got to the point that if her imitation act of me didn't get her the response she wanted she would get furious with me. i have noticed that a lot of them have a tendency to be passive aggresive(that is the time to look out, cause the anger is ready to come out. sorry to be so serious, but i really had problems with this particular girl

African girl, American world said...

well having spent time with you, YES you are that fly but damn that's some crazy shit!!!!!! I wouls run like the wind cause you know she crazy!

Anonymous said...

Had a SWF stalk me on the job for 3 years. She barked at me (literally "woof woof"), put her ass in my face (that stopped when I told her she could expect a foot up in her ass next time she did it), hid files, spread rumors, locked me in a dark room (she cut the lights off on me, locked the door and ran away), then told the manager she didn't see why I would have a problem with being locked in a dark room, refused to order supplies for me, tried to make me use an old computer when my computer broke down instead of ordering me a new one like she had been told to (we're talking Windows 93...when it was 2004) and much, much more.

All this because I did not kiss her ass when she bought a new car!

Her job was higher on the foasod chain than mine so I know she didn't want my job. She just didn't want me there. But I chilled and let her hang herself:

Because she could not get me fired or run me off the job, she turned the hate on everyone else and refused to do her job. She passed the buck every chance she could get, and was nasty to everyone in the office. They would ask her to do something and she would refuse and turn her portable TV on and file her nails! Finally, she got fired earlier this year!

All of this because I refused to kiss her ass b/c she bought a new car!

Anonymous said...

foasod = food

Organized Noise said...

I had a stalker once, but it wasn't related to job envy. She had more of a personal desire.

1969 said...

I don't think I have a full fledged stalker but I do have this one co-worker who is ALWAYS trying to eat lunch with my lunch crew.

If we don't invite her, she gets heated.

Really, it's not that deep at all.

Cocoa...girlfriend just wants to have some of your shine. Consider it a compliment.

Cocoa Girl said...

Chica - Damn. That's REAL deep. She is married - how on earth does she have time to stalk you?!!?!

Anon 253p - You're so hilarious. Low esteem is definitely a contributor to stalkerish tendencies.

Mwabs - Thanks for the comp, but I definitely don't think it's me. Some folks are just crazy and deranged.

Anon 1125a - Cocoa thinks your coworker secretly wanted/needed your approval.

She was the craziest of the crazies. For real, tho...

Organized Noise - What??? Why you being all coy and things?

1969 - How's mom dukes? :D

1969 said...

Cocoa...I just posted on it. Thank goodness, she's doing okay. said...

I feel like I have been gone for forever!!! But baby I'm BACK!
Okay now...No stalkers...just haters! You know how that be!

Cocoa Girl said...

Hey Mrs. TJ - I gotta stp by!

Enigma said...

I have people around who takes my being nice to mean that I am a push over initially. When I correct the madness by continuing being me and treating them with respect and a wiiiddddeee berth, they usually act foolish until they get that I really mean I am not gonna be bothered. It is always interesting to me that it is my folks (black female/ male) with this drama. Next thing I know when they bother to get to know me, they tell me that they thought I was stuck up, stuck on myself, thought that I thought that I was too good for them to talk to. Why you ask? Heck if I know ;o) Point is this - all those folks got their own personal issues, and I make sure they keep their issues. If that makes me the B, I do not care cause I am at peace I don't care if I gotta accept you are an ass, stomp you out or ignore you, I WILL be at peace and professional with it too.

Cocoa Girl said...

Hi Enigma and welcome!

I hear you about protecting your sanity, first and foremost. I live in NYC and it's a daily battle to protect my space, job, well-being, etc.

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